Consolation

"Our thoughts and prayers are with you," reads one. "She is gone from our sight, but never from our hearts," assures the other. "In this tragic moment, I hope you remember all the joyous moments you shared," advises another. You know they all mean well. 

Of course, there could be a `mean' one, too. You, for example, apologise to the organisers  who depended on your half-an-hour-long presentation. In addition to the customary phrases currently easily accessible on the internet, they shoot back, "do not worry about your presentation, We shall have it some other day'. As if! 

Yes, there are some truly heart felt ones, too. "We understand it must be tough for you. But we know you are strong," assert a few, while many more empathise with you in subtle, sensitive ways, leaving you absolutely astonished that you were after all so well understood, and by so many, and despite your in-my-shell introversion. A young colleague calls ten times to find out if you are all right, while colleagues who know you rather well feel that work would cure you.

Per yeh dil hai ke manata hi nahin! You dream travel dreams that could shame a `road(ie) movie' at least, if not the Oscar-winning "Nomads" itself. In each such dream, a happy journey with her, often with both of them, is awfully interrupted, and you wake up with such a woeful wail in your throat that it could melt any glacier faster than all carbon crimes of the entire world.  

You know your Freud well enough to know this cannot go on. You immerse yourself in work. You design yourself a day. You allot time to each creative corner. You consciously watch comedy programmes, You protect yourself from harmful contacts. You do try every which way. Per yeh dil hai ke manata hi nahin! 

Then you realise that there are others in much worse conditions. The covid victims, for instance, whose near and dear ones could not even have a proper closure as they were not even allowed the one last look at the mortal remains. The horror of your loved one closeted in a plastic sheet, denied the proper last rights is a grief that would Antigone-ise any one, you admit you did not have to suffer. How about the Covid orphans, you rationalise. When a horror movie called a pandemic is unreeling around you, you g(r)asp, you cannot constantly disturb the p(e)ace of the dear departed soul, or those around you, with your laments.

A calm tries to settle down in your soul. You realise in your dreams , she, at times they both, actually look truly contented. In a way, you admit then both of them are always there with you, in your thoughts, in your hearts. Consolation prizes are not exactly bad!

pratima@calm prevails