The Buffer Zone

 March 19. Aai's birthday officially. Papa always wanted that her birthday be celebrated on March 19. Most probably because date wise, their birthdays were just a day apart, his being on March 18. I suppose, it symbolised togetherness for him.

 On the contrary, Bhau Mama always insisted that her birthday be celebrated on the Holi day. What did Aai do? She acted the buffer. On both the days, March 18 and on the Holi, she would prepare excellent sweets that would be divine delights.

I suppose that buffer role was what she was excellent at. In a way, both Aai-Papa, belonged to a generation that had the buffer role foisted on them. As a woman though, obviously Aai had to be better than the best at that role. Let us look at some relationships to explore this further. As a daughter, for example, the only goal she could have was marriage, while her daughter could think of a selfhood, too. Incidentally, she met her bridegroom only when she garlanded him at the time of their marriage.

As a daughter-in-law, her in-laws were terribly traditional, strictness personified, dominating her as per her daughter-in-law role. As a mother-in-law herself, she was leniency itself. In fact, the so-called traditional asserting self was more for the daughter-in-law by the time she became the "Aai, aho." Much water had flown under the bridge.

Life thus kept on coming full circle again and again. Most often though, if not always, she would have to be the arch below, the buffer. Papa, for example, could not cook at all. Very very rarely, when she fell ill, if at all, he would make pithale-bhat. Her sons, on the contrary, are better at the culinary arts than even her daughter! 

Looking after the household duties in her generation was mostly the womanly duty. Not that Papa did not bother. For sure, in multiple ways, he helped. But such were the times that it could be only this much, and no further. Her sons‌, on the contrary, excel at all the household duties. 

I suppose their entire generation had this buffering duty to bear. Papa, for example, had to take the responsibility of his father's household, and at a very early age, too,  while his sons, he made them good at it, could afford living independently, masters of their own choices and their lives every which way.

And yet I have never seen either Aai or Papa feel edgy about it. I keep on thinking how many times, they had to just adjust.  Both of them came from small towns, for example. Both had to negotiate Mumbai, the mega city, very early in their lives, Papa as an employee, Aai as a new bride. How did they manage it? Their backgrounds had hardly prepared them for such a life. 

My heart literally tears apart each time I remember one of Aai's stories. She used to be absolutely all alone in a huge big building after both Papa and Bhau Mama would leave for work. One day, she had to venture out as she needed the wheat to be ground. On the way back, initially, she just could not locate the lane as each one would look similar with those immense buildings.

Tough times for a hyper sensitive, shy woman. What is unique, however, is Aai learnt quickly to manage well, however difficult the circumstances. She belonged to a big family in a small town. Due to Papa's transfers, she had to learn to live in such far flung places as Bider now, Aurangabad then, miles and miles away from any support system. She managed it!

When she was expecting for the first time, she fell severely ill. The doctor was sure the foetus would not survive. Somehow Papa nursed her back to some normalcy. They were at Nanded, some six hundred miles away from any help. As she was not to travel till she was a bit okay, in her early ninth month, in the horrible April heat, on a meter gauge train, she somehow reached her parental place, to walk down to the maternity hospital some two or three weeks later!

And it was this woman who would constantly empathise with her daughter-in-law's strong medicines and its possible effects! How did she manage to be so strong? Whence this resilience? In her school days, surely there was no teaching of life skills, and all!

She gloried in, loved that bouncing back, whatever might be the setback. She never pitied herself, never grumbled against the endless troubles, faced them with a smile.  They both took the extremely difficult decision that Papa would travel all alone to these umpteen transfer destinations, given his honest ways, while she had to stay all alone  at Pune with three growing children for the sake of their education. Sure we were very nice kids, but it must have been terribly difficult.

Aai and Papa, their resources were limited but their hearts and souls were limitless, brimming with sheer love for the kids. No wonder, they made the tough buffer role a joyride! 

Pratima@ "I can be changed due to what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced due to it, " says Maya Angelou.