The Dark Night of the Soul

 That fatal, dark night exactly a year ago! It was March 25, Thursday, while this year March 25 falls on a Friday.

Aai had to be fed nasally, directly in to the stomach. She hated such indignities. Due to the hospitalisation, it was made compulsory by the doctors. I asked Amit if she can be bottle fed or if the tube can be removed. Her doctor was not ready for it, anyways.

Actually, it was inevitable that she would not be able to long tolerate the tubes. I had earlier heard her repeatedly talk about how hard, in fact, impossible, she found the plight of her cousin or her distant friend. Hyper self-respecting and basically a healthy-ish person despite the b.p. and diabetes, quite under control, though she had to take medicines for some twenty years to keep them checked, she disliked intensely the nasal feed, et al. 

How I wish she would not have to go to the hospital! No use now discussing why she had to be taken there. It requires tremendous courage and ethics to accept one's mistakes! Very, very rare are people who own up their misdeeds how much later they regret or rue their hurried carelessness.

Actually Dr. Khare checked her on Tuesday late at night. Once again on Wednesday, he was here at home as he had to fetch his oxymeter he forgot here. I fed her all the feeds at the right time, her medicines as usual.Only the elektral, as an energiser, though not compulsory, given the drastically reduced quantity of food, had yet to be given.

I woke up at four-ish after a tired, stressed sleep. I tube fed the elektral water, quite a longish process. She appeared okayish. By the time, I washed the entire equipment, it was almost 4.30. 

I thought better to check all her basics before going back to sleep. Suddenly the oxymeter would not show any activity. I checked it on me. Then I realised something is the problem. I called up Dr. Khare, he came almost immediately. But it was no use.

I do know I, too, would die one day. What was tough for me was the fact that just within thirty minutes or so, an entire lifetime changed!

The only consolation I have is she breathed her last in her own bed at her own home. It must have been terrible, the last moments, given the heart attack. But she looked peaceful, almost as if in deep sleep, fast asleep. There was no disfigurement due to death.  Most importantly, her sad demise could be honoured, unlike millions who died a very sad death  due to covid.

I felt numb like anything. Some part of it yet lingers. Well, I am not exactly a person who can showcase her grief and bereavement. Yet I remember the doctor had to remind me that I should call up Raju-Sanju. I was so dazed that I remember factually talking to Dhanu who was weeping inconsolably when she called up. Dr. Khare was still there,too. Finally, he had to ask me to throw the catheter in the dustbin.

Tough were those hours. I do know that instead of her suffering more and more due to bedsores, and all, she literally slept/slipped in to that eternal sleep, in a quite okayish condition peacefully. She did respond quite well to the Doctor's queries on Tuesday. Her mind was strong, but the body was weakened beyond tolerance. 

Every year March 25 will come, but never this dark night of the soul!

Pratima@tears, not shed, are the real language of deep grief.